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The Monstafarian Manifesto

THE MONSTAFARIAN MANIFESTO OF:

Monstafarian (noun, adj):

A subset of African Americans, typically Afro-punks, who have a passion for horror, monster movies, props and other accoutrements that would lend them to an Addams Family lifestyle. The typical Monstafarian studies fear-reactions and spends time devising ways to make other people uncomfortable. They are extremely rare yet very interesting if encountered.

Ex: Have you met Giant Jim? He's the Monstafarian with the skull-beads in his dreads.

I drafted the above definition, but don’t let it fool you, I am probably the only Monstafarian. In one way I’d like there to be more but if there were more they might be tempted to form a community. This would remove individuality and like all groups of like-minded people, become a forced parody of its tenants.

What I believe:

-Existence is constant.

(The soul and energy within everything has always existed and always will exist.

Time does not exist outside of human perception and is therefore illusory.

Size is also illusory. All existence is a singularity fitting on a pinprick. The universe is an atom and an atom is the universe.

It’s the same thing and one day the guy with the telescope will see the guy with the microscope looking down on him.)

-We are all experts in overestimating the importance of this existence.

-I came into being in a time and place that guaranteed a duality of mind.

[I was born to Conservative black parents. “Conservative” in that they believe in the concept of America. Conservative in an extreme fear of trying to think outside the parameters of their preconceived notions of reality and propriety.

Their insanity is that (in their minds) America is the best country in the world, yet at the same time they see America’s white people and power-structure as being as racist as 1955 Mississippi.

From this I was born. Thankfully I was shaped by some major events:

·         Hearing New Wave music on the radio and television.

(New Wave music was everywhere in the late-70’s and early-80’s. It was mostly ignored in black America as “white”.  The sound of synthesizers struck a chord with my brain chemistry and was able to get my imagination working.)

Perhaps I had a leg-up from early-on, being more attracted to rock, as depressing as 70’s rock was. [Or maybe it was 1970’s white rock-fans that were depressing.)

·         I became a huge KISS fan in the 5^th grade, as did all the other little black boys in my class. I’m sure that those surviving classmates would vehemently deny this today.

·         Spending the Summers between age 8 and age 15 in a white suburban neighborhood.

·         Having an alcoholic-cop for a father that disliked sports and collected comic-books.

·         1970’s television]

-America is an asshole factory. Its greatest product is victims.

(Americans are not evil by nature, but are baptized in fear and will go along with anything wrapped in the flag.)

-America is polarized by race, and since it is a nation of victims it always will be.

-Ignorant assholes are like brain-parasites, vampires and zombies.

(They prey on you with their very presence, until you have either become an asshole, a hermit, or a suicide.)

-Black people are expected to behave a certain way. Even in “punk” circles you are expected to know about “black” stuff.

-Embracing the stereotypes of your group is the most self-handicapping thing that a person can do.

-Punk rockers are as racist as the rest of America but in the 90’s there were more Liberal and cool people in the scene. Like the tide that came and went away.

-Black people are ashamed of their hair, but won’t admit it directly. That’s why so much time and money is spent on eradicating it. Shaving it off, straightening it or weaving in “good” Asian hair.

-Straightened hair looks terrible and the concept of the weave is tragic.

-Dreadlocks are the superior hair for nappy individuals.

(The dreadlocks were a huge part of my psychological completion. Before I grew my hair out and the times I was forced to cut my hair, I didn’t feel the confidence of my being. I felt like I was drifting along in the ocean of “humanity” like a cork or other flotsam. I felt like more of a mascot than a man, sexless and 2-dimensional in this world.

 Dreadlocks to me, serve the same purpose that clothing or public restroom toilet-partitions serve in “normal” people. I’ve lost my locks twice. Both at low points in my life and both at the insistence of my mother. Both times, in my mother’s mind, to look more socially acceptable and more marketable. Both times leaving me a husk of what I was with locks.

Dreadlocks serve many a purpose for the Monstafarian; mask, aesthetic balance aid, tool of confidence and psychological balance.

I always tell people that I quit my dog-catcher’s job in 1992 because my ex wanted to move away from Lubbock. The main reason was that when I asked the Animal-shelter Manager if I could grow my hair out into dreads, she said “no”. The desire to grow my hair led me away from that job and town.

I wasn’t sure what it was that called me to locks. I never knew anyone with dreads. The only images I saw of dreads were on Bad Brains album-covers and Terrence Trent D’arby videos. Something called me very strongly. The desire to cover my face and hide behind my hair, the image of having hair that would move and blow in the wind, the desire and need to not be an ordinary black person.

What I’ve learned is to distrust other’s people’s opinions regarding my best interests, because those interests are coming from the minds of conservatives.)

-Normal people are my cross to bear for not having killed myself when I was a teenager.

-Normal people use thought as a tool towards material-enrichment instead of personal-development.

(A normal persons thoughts are shallow. Their “learning” is memorization of popular facts. Their development is limited by the brackets of religion, military, patriotism and race.)

-Artists in America are enigma.

(Creation for creations sake is considered foolish and a waste of time. Real “art” is considered to be anything that will turn a profit.)

-Certain people should never get tattooed: Those that obsess over “The” image they are going to get and those that spend years wondering how much it will hurt.

-Not hitting a child who is having a tantrum is setting him/her up for a brutal ass-kicking in adulthood.

-Puerto Rican women are the most beautiful women in the world.

-Comic books could cure illiteracy but the spike in price since the 70’s (15 cents back then to the $3 to $5 they cost now) makes them unattractive.

(Children in the 70’s (and before), learned to read by first following a story visually, as toddlers. As time went on they were able to put the words to the story and they learned to read by age 5.)

-Religion should never be the end-point.

(Religion is a start, but so is Kindergarten. Finding God cannot be done in the box of human religious creations.)

-Christianity is like giving a car to someone who can’t drive and expecting them to drive cross-country.

[Christians preach perfection and seem surprised when other Christians are caught doing human things like fucking a hot girl in the bathroom at a party.

Christians (especially Fundamentalists) are constantly monitoring each other for sin. When sin is found the viewer will state, “That’s not how a Christian acts.” In other words: Christians are without sin. I talk mostly about Christians because that is how I was raised and I know more about it than other religions. Let an ex-Muslim complain about Islam!]

-Christians are creepy and insane, ignoring the message of Christ in favor of the Bible.

[Ex: “A young woman spoke to me about the wonderful relationship she had, living with her boyfriend, and she claimed to be a Christian!” –Heard recently on Christian radio.

So, being “Christian” means being perfect?

No; …for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” (Rom 3:23)

If this is true and we are all sinners, then how DARE you judge the girl as non-Christian because of her sin? ]

-The biblical-literalists have done so much to subvert the message of Jesus that it becomes meaningless.

(They have managed to elevate Jesus the Christ into the ultimate idol. They have managed to manifest the Antichrist from Christ.)

-Not only have I rejected religion/military/sports; these things have also rejected me. (Individuality is shunned completely in the former and accepted only as a marketing tool in the latter.)

-I am a product of Generation X. Unlike the generations preceding and following, Generation X recognized the bullshit of their upbringing and decided not to incorporate it into their lives.

-A Monstafarian realizes that if he drives drunk and is arrested it was not because the “Devil” was working against him.

(At least not the popular concept of the Devil. If you think of the devil as a person’s base nature, or a lack of foresight and discipline, then yes: The Devil is responsible for your misfortunes.)

-The US government doesn’t have to worry about fighting dissention anymore.

(That is taken care of by ordinary people. Make a complaint against the country and you’ll see that the average American into Archie Bunker.)

-Because of the senseless anger of my father and his seeming lack of maturity and self-control I saw those traits as both idiotic and signs of power.

(When my combined 7^th/8^th grade classroom was infected with the mindset of my father I knew that I had little hope of overcoming that evil. I armed myself with weapons from my father’s dresser: brass knuckles, a switchblade and mace. I luckily never was pushed far enough to use those things. Either I would have killed a classmate or had those weapons used against me. I still don’t understand violence and fear that my distaste for violence may be turned against me one day as I pull my knife: my brain will balk and start thinking of all the negative possibilities, just as I should be defending myself and this will be my downfall. It almost happened in December of 2002 when after stabbing and shooting 2 tweakers in self-defense, my weapons were wrested away from me. The knife used to stab me. Thankfully the shotgun jammed. Had I not hesitated I would have killed them both and more likely than not, be in prison right now.)

-A Monstafarian is created by isolation and introversion.

[School bullies and racists created me as much as my father fucking my mother. My spark of lightning was being so tormented that I spent 2 weeks off-and on in the 8^th grade, skipping school in December of 1979. Part of me froze from the dehumanization. At one point I managed to sneak into my cousin’s empty house, while she was at work. There I saw the concert film, Urrgh! A Music War. Seeing Lux Interior and the other seemingly otherworldly Punk and New-Wave acts helped convince me that I was not alone. After almost being discovered by my Grandmother and Aunt one day, I tried staying at home, but my father came home one day and I sat as still as a post in my room, until he left. From then on out my hooky-career was spent outdoors in the god-awful frigid Chicago winter. Rather than face my classmates I faced the 5-degree winds and bleak slate sky. I was found out and confessed my guilt, stating the true reason. Of this my parents informed the school and a “talk” was held with the bullies, who were acting as dismayed and innocent as blind toddlers. Of course this meeting only made my situation worse.  At the age of 13 my life began. I was completely prepared to continue being a child; riding my bicycle, climbing trees etc, but unfortunately my classmates (for the most part) succumbed to a sudden puberty, which amplified their most base natures and killed their humanity. This is not hyperbole. It was as if I was trapped in a room full of werewolves caught in mid-transformation.]

-Chicago should be changed in name to “motherfucker”.

(Because that's what it is. A cold dirty brick meat-locker with bloodstained floors, a rat slipping out of the drain there. Gut boiling white castle hamburgers turning into watery turds in fat-laden South-Side Irish bowels. Balkanized patchwork of streets  and neighborhoods; black, white, Mexican, Puerto Rican, with main street dividing lines that may as well be running with lava and liquid razor wire. Brutal frigid air like ass-rape, ears red black crack fall off, food for polluted mutated lake fish has a bum bite taken out of it, red inner flesh to the silvery exterior. Puke in a sterling cuspidor.)

-I was forced into dating white women as a teenager and once I got started the same black women that rejected me started calling me a “sell-out” for not dating black.

[I am rejected by 99% of women and white women (being more numerous) seem to hold 1% of the1% that will not run away in fear, misunderstanding or ignorance. Black women are the most conservative of Americans. That there were seemingly NO black punk girls when I was coming up, and almost none now, leads me to question the “independence” of the “strong independent black woman”. It also makes me question if the time and chemistry would ever be right for me to meet such a creature.

By the age of 17 I realized that I had no chance with “normal” white girls and started chasing “weird” white girls. In my 30’s I realized there weren’t that many real weird girls. By 40 I realized that “weird” was being co-opted by white-trash.

While I was judging others as being “verbal animals” (those who walk on 2 legs but don’t demonstrate the attributes of humanity) I was being treated as a “sexual animal”, which is one who is used as a sexual partner because of race or background with no intention of creating a serious relationship because of that race or background.]

-It’s not that I’m trying to be different. It’s just that you are all trying so hard to be the same.

-Getting married and/or having babies are no creative or expressive feat.

(Yet it seems to be the ultimate goal of most women. The ultimate goal of most men is to own a house with a yard for his wife and 2.5 kids. Again, not impressive. All animals mate, breed and seek shelter. That the common mans/woman’s mind is so set on these biological functions as “goals” goes a long way to explain their lack of individual development. The average person has babies, then teaches those children to “fit in” and eventually give them grandchildren. “Personal development” is relegated to playing sports, getting a good-paying job and acquiring expensive possessions.)

-The Monstafarian was pretty much ignored by his parents, so he was able to develop independently of their neurotic ideals.

-70’s dads were all assholes. That’s why we love Robert Reed.

-A woman’s beauty is a weapon and a commodity.

(It ruins the reality of her humanity in the minds of men. Since beauty is equated with perfection the beauty of a woman automatically forgives a multitude of sins. Because of this a woman knows that her beauty can take her places that her brain can’t. For as long as she is beautiful her intellect will always run a pale second.)

-Although it always is, the past should never be used as a yardstick for the present. Time has a way of forgiving the ordinary plastic horror of the past and turning it into rainbows.

- Al Motherfucing Frank (AKA “Mister X”, AKA “Albert Frankenstein”)

 2011-

Customer service

This is an email exchange between myself and "Kate" from e-patches.com. The first contact was through an order-request form on their site where I detailed the number of patches and the design.  The first message was sent on 7/2 and the last from just today (7/18).  Please note that in most of these exchanges she takes 24 hours to reply. My words are in red.

 

 Hi, I was interested in getting a back-patch with my logo. The logo is a black symbol. I'd like it on a 10-inch circular white background, with the image itself being 8.5 inches tall within the circle. If you have a 10-12 inch white oval instead, that would be even better. Image attached. Thanks.

-Al Frank

 (24 hours later)
Hi

Thank You for the email

Could You tell me what shape of the overall patch does it need to be, please? Rectangle?

and how many items?

Hi, I thought I entered the info in the request form.  

I'd like it on a 10-inch circular white background, with the image itself being 8.5 inches tall within the circle. If you have a 10-12 inch white oval instead, that would be even better.

Yes, but how many items would You like?

Just one to start.

 (24 hours later)Hi
12" high oval
Design and setup - free
Price depends on quantity:
quantity: 1, price: $75.61 USD
quantity: 2, price: $47.52 USD per item, total: $95.04 USD
quantity: 3, price: $37.94 USD per item, total: $113.82 USD
quantity: 5, price: $30.05 USD per item, total: $150.25 USD
quotation no: 2A111285
Shipping: - $5 USD
Payment: Paypal (see www.paypal.com )
Please confirm price before design realization. You will need to approve our artwork before production.
It is also required 10% of total value to be pay before design realization.
Items will be dispatched within 10 - 15 working days after received cleared payment.

Can you do a mock-up so I can get an idea of the completed patch?

 (24 hours later)

Yes, before production and after fix some details and 10% deposit I'll send You a visualization.

Sounds good. It may look better on the round background, so I'll need to check.  I'll take 2 patches. What is your paypal payment address?

Ok, so knowing prices how many items would You like?

Kate... please check the earlier emails. I've already told you how many I wanted and requested your paypal address.

ah, yes, I'm sorry for confusion.

summary

quantity: 2, price: $47.52 USD per item, total: $95.04 USD
quotation no: 2A111285

12" high oval
white non-embroidered background
black logo and edges
sewn-on backing
shipping $5

Done. Please keep me updated. Thanks.

 (24 hours later)Thank You for 9.50 USD from Albert Frank's account.
Is it Your shipping addess?

Yes,

2001 S. IH35 #125

Austin, TX. 78741

 (7 days pass)

Kate

What's the progress on my order? Do you have a design jpeg for me to see?

Ah, I'm sorry for delay. It will be ready in 2-3 days
Kind Regards
Kate

I'm looking at your web-page and the way the process is done seems to be different than what we are doing here. On the web-page the steps were: Quote, approve design, then place order.

You asked me to order and send a deposit before I'd see the final design. I'm a bit wary at this point.

 (24 hours later)Hi
Is it correct?

It's a little close on the right side. Do you have it on a circular background for comparison?

It can be moved to left of course.
Regarding circle, then it should be 12 x 12 and will be a bit more expensive

If you reduce the image slightly and move a tad to the left it would be better. Can i see that?

 (24 hours later)How much would You like it smaller? 10x10, 11x11?

Kate, what I meant was to reduce the logo about 1/2 inch within the current sized oval.

 (24 hours later)Hi
There will be much empty place around then. Do You want such?

We seem to be having a communications problem here. Let's just go ahead and cancel the order. My Paypal acct address is amfiii@hotmail.com.

 (24 hours later)Well, just making visualization every time makes a lot of work, therefore my asking.

Please, just refund the 9 dollars.

I made the attached in 3 minutes.

We made Your visualization and can corrected it. Deposit isn't refundable but contain few changes of details
so just to move to left and shape of teh overall patch oval like on Your oval.gif sent 3 min ago?

Yes. If we can take care of this quickly then I will continue with the sale.

(24 HOURS LATER) 
ok, 12" high and more circle shape as on Your oval.gif?
I'm sorry for question, another option is logo in the same size as previous but size of overall oval larger

Kate, we've been talking about this project since July 2nd. I email you and it takes you a day to get back to me. That is not getting things done quickly. This is too much trouble for a patch. Keep the 9 dollars. I will go to another company for the patches,

I'm sorry for trouble, but therefore was all these questions it won't be necessary to make each time brand new design and it is made after changing size

I no longer want the patches from you. Thank you.

Workplace food scavenging

Security Guards take note: this is aimed at you!


I've been a workplace food forager/scavenger as long as I've worked nights. Finding calories around the jobsite is a hobby of mine and a fascinating one at that! Here are a few tips if you find yourself working alone at night.

-Cartons in the trash are promising. They have been known to hold things like cookies, chicken, bagels and more. The trash can is the most honest way to come by food but also the least dignified if you are caught.
-A step up from the trash can is the break-room table. This is where the leftover party and meeting goodies wind up. Surprisingly these goodies tend to stick around for a while because usually people stuff themselves with cake/chips/salsa etc and don't want to look at the leftovers.
-Candy dishes on people's desks are an excellent source of snacks. If you know your building properly then you know exactly which desks have candy and more likely than not, what kind. You are usually safe to take one piece per night from each of the dishes. Any more than that will draw unwanted attention.
-The trickiest yet often most rewarding of scavenged meals is the fridge raid meal. Fridges are often a goldmine of available food, however a few rules must be observed:
1) Go small. Try to build a meal of things external to the lunch-bags themselves.
2) Be aware of bulk containers. A box of crackers, an (open) package of cheese squares, a jar of pickles etc all add up to a meal.
3) Refrigerated party trays are pretty much free game. They will include cheese, veggies, and little sandwiches. Be sure to NEVER take the last bit as that will tip your hand.
4) Be polite when invading personal meals! This may sound like a paradox, but if you don't screw the lunch-owner over you can both be happy! Don't kill the goose that lays the golden egg! If someone leaves their leftover Chow-mien noodles in the fridge, check the amount. If there's still quite a bit then take a fork full, BUT NO MORE! If people notice someones been eating their food at night, then it's possible that you may soon wind up caught on hidden camera!

Speaking of which, be aware of your surroundings! Watch for cameras. Check the hallways for people. Listen for voices and footsteps. If you get caught then it's your own fault!

On a good night an industrious scavenger can successfully build a meal of:
Candy- 1 to 20 pieces depending on number of dishes.
Cheese- Sliced or cubed (1 slice or 1 out of 8 cubes)
Bread- One slice per loaf.
Crackers- 1 of every 10 in sleeve
Pickles- 1 of every 6 in jar.
Sodas- 1 If found in bulk or 1 frozen and swollen in freezer
Misc- Fast food chicken wings, poppers, etc (be sparing)

Add to this any leftover party food or trashed food and you've built yourself quite a meal!

So good luck, be safe and bon appetit!

Observation of the day

Daywalker Texas Ranger

Ever notice how pale, pink and red Chuck Norris is?

Walgreens pedicure

You go girl!

This is your future

I work in the Communications Building at the University of Texas. The other day I was cleaning one of the computer labs, used by the graduate-students when I saw this list on the wall:
 
A list of ways by which you would know that you are a graduate communications student. I will ask you to take note of number 7 on the list-

Now, unless they have mastered the art of slicing Champagne bottles with a sword, then I will take it for granted that a Graduate Communications-student has to phonetically spell "savoring".

Welcome to the future

You know why Jesus spoke to the thieves and whores?

Because (just like today) the so-called "respectable" people already knew every Goddamn thing, 

so he couldn't tell them shit!